The Fault in the Path

One of my biggest fears in entering the fitness arena,

which I have struggled with through my whole fitness/IG journey, is the possibility that something I put out into the world could be interpreted in a way that makes someone else question their body, their looks, their worth, or just anything negative about themselves based on something that I post.

I grew up in the dance world. I also grew up with “lucky” genetics in the sense that I was smaller than most. As a young kid it came so easy to me that it actually frustrated me. As I grew into my adult body in college my physique changed. I would like to say that I didn’t care but the reality is that I did. I thought it changed something about who I was.

I spent a lot of time and mental space worrying about this for way too long.

I cared way too much about others' perception of my looks or my diligence to a regimen. I’m not sure exactly what changed the switch for me. But I never liked the idea of dieting, of people thinking that they had to change their body in order to look a certain way or to feel worthy. I started to change who I followed on social media. I started to change the leaders and instructors who I followed in the fitness world. I started changing my inner narrative, and it felt fake but one day it switched. I don’t feel as suffocated by it today.

I learned in NP school that girls start to judge their own body and image at the age of 6.

That fact makes me nauseous. I now have three kids, with my oldest being past that 6yo age mark. The idea of my kids ever thinking something negative about themselves based on society’s disgusting standards feels suffocating.

Ever since I have been on IG sharing my exercise journey (long before Beautiful Mess Running) I have been worried about the message that people receive from me. I have tried to be diligent about sharing my love for fitness and it having nothing to do with size or looks. But I live in America. Where that story is so prevalent it is seen even when it’s not there.

I recently read Good For A Girl by Lauren Fleshman and it helped me to define so much about the feelings I have on this topic.

So I stand here, as a new owner of a running business, that requires me to put myself out there. I stand here scared that I could in some way make someone think something negative of themselves.

But I also stand here hoping that I can write my own message clearly enough that that doesn’t happen. That women (and men) only find kindness and confidence and can leave the other stuff behind. That I can help change the narrative for kids growing into this world. I hope that my kids see this message for what it is.

I hope that our society can continue to make the shift that some of us are putting out there and can show each and every single one of us that we are worthy. Period.